Couples Therapy – Getting Both Sides to Participate
At some point in a serious relationship, there is bound to be conflict. Sometimes the issues are minor, others, not so much. Often, couples therapy can be a great solution to resolving differences. Having a professional counselor mediate discussions and disputes can help break through stalemates and get couples on track with resolving their problems.
In some cases, however, couples therapy presents a whole new list of challenges. One of the biggest challenges when going to couples therapy is getting both sides to open up and participate. This can stem from multiple areas. In this post, we will examine some of the potential barriers to opening up and how to get through them.
Challenges to Opening Up
Trust Issues
One of the most common setbacks in any relationship is difficulty with trust. This can often stem from intimacy issues. In this instance, I am not talking about sex, although this can happen too. Intimacy, in this case, means a strong connection with the person you are with. It is a shared emotional bond that is very personal.
Intimacy is almost paradoxical in that is strength through weakness. Experiencing intimacy requires you to open yourself up and trust your partner. This emotional vulnerability can be terrifying for some. However, the benefits can be great.
Experiencing trust issues is both understandable and common in today’s world. Many of us have past experiences that have hurt us, making it difficult to open up to others. Also, having trust issues makes it difficult to want to discuss problems with a third party that you may not really know.
Lack of Communication
This is probably the most obvious challenge that you might face in couple’s therapy. As the poet Anne Spencer once said, “Communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard.” Communication in a relationship isn’t just talking. It’s not just “Hi honey, how was your day?” and other basic conversations, it goes much further than that.
Communication in a relationship is the exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings. This act is critical to resolving conflicts in a relationship. Often, problems that started out as minor will grow into major issues because of lack of communication.
Not communicating relates back to trust, or lack thereof. When you don’t communicate your thoughts and emotions, you are saying that you don’t trust the other person enough to share what’s going on in your head. This also leaves room for the partner to “imagine” what is going on with the other emotionally and cognitively; which can lead to trouble.
Internalization
Nobody has summed up internalization better than Disney did in the movie Frozen. The part I’m talking about of course is when Elsa’s parents tell her to “conceal don’t feel.”
Internalizing your problems relates back to trust and communication. When a person internalizes their emotions, they are basically saying, “I don’t trust anyone enough to open up to.” Like lack of trust, this can be common in today’s society.
The problem with internalizing is that it, of course, creates a barrier to intimacy and good communication. You can’t make any progress on your feelings if you bottle them up.
How to Overcome These Challenges
If you want to make changes and break through these barriers, that is fantastic. Working through these issues will help you and your partner have a stronger relationship.
However, sometimes getting past something like trust issues can be challenging.
So, to help you create a plan of attack on your demons, here are some helpful tips that can help you in both your everyday life and opening up at couples’ therapy.
Admit that you need Help
Admitting you need help is the first step to overcoming any problem. This is why it is the first step to all 12 step programs, rehab programs, and so on. Once you have done this, everything will start to fall into place.
While admitting you need help sounds simple, it can be difficult. For those who internalize especially, this can be the hardest step. With this, it is important to remember that everyone has struggled. Nobody is perfect, and it is ok to admit you have a problem. It sounds cliché, but that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.
Acknowledge that you are In a Safe Place
This may sound a bit strange, but this is actually a very important aspect of dealing with trust issues. Oftentimes we experience trust issues because of past events that have hurt us. These make us wary of anything that could potentially hurt us like that again.
Fortunately, couples’ therapy is not one of those places that will hurt you like that. Couples’ therapy is designed to be a safe environment where you can open yourself up and talk through your problems.
Be Intentional
This tip is most helpful in communication. Oftentimes communication problems come from one or both sides not being clear and intentional with what they are saying. When you are trying to communicate a thought or emotion with your partner, try to be as clear and direct as possible.
Another key aspect to intentional communication is active listening. Communication is a two-way street, and both sides need to listen to what the other is saying. Once this starts to happen, resolving your problems will become progressively easier.
One thing we do in therapy is intentionally build back the safety and intimacy in the relationship. Couples may first feel a bit afraid or exposed by this process; but when navigated with the help of a trained professional it can have a huge impact on the relationship, each individual, and even how each person views the world.
Closing Thoughts
A close relationship with someone is a precious thing. Like all things that matter it requires time and effort to maintain it. In a relationship, it is perfectly normal for conflict to occur. But, when neither side wants to open up and try to resolve their differences, the relationship will fall apart.
Hopefully, this post helped you in some way. If you do decide to try couples’ therapy, then remember therapists are here to help you work towards your own goals as a couple. Ultimately it s the couples in charge of the pace of treatment and the end result. For more information on the first steps to finding a therapist can be found in this blog. Being in a safe and loving relationship can be one of the most powerful experiences a person can have. You deserve it! We all do.
Kelly Burris, M.A., L.M.F.T. is a therapist in San Clemente, Orange County, California. She specializes in helping individuals and couples move forward from trauma, depression, and anxiety. She can be found online at calicounseling.com